so w/ me being a problem solver, i talked it out. nothing can’t be solved if you don’t address it head on correct? nip that shit in the bud and find some sort of common ground. well there isn’t any…its basically opposite, its her way or no way. isn’t that shit ass backwards? i thought the dude suppose to play that role?

minor issues…SHOES!! muthafuckin, bullshit ass shoes. finacially I’m not where i want to be. and i have a plan, and i told her i can’t execute it if she aint on the same page with me. yo, when she aint trying to hear my shit…guess what she say? “I’m so tired, i don’t want to hear this.” you believe that shit?!?! ask any nigga that kno me…im the most mellow ass cat in the world. like, I’m down for the family and friends…money comes and go but love remains after the bullshit clears up.

i feel trapped. like she don’t wanna hear my shit, and i can’t be that asshole and dish her away cause she’s foreign ya know? by far, the MOST tricking i did in my life. from scale of 1-10…i hit like a 10.5 bro. I’m fed up seriously, and i told her that a divorce WILL happen eventually if this shit keeps going. I’m not beat bro, I’m fuckin 27 going on to 28…im too old to be arguin about petty shit. being in a relationship suppose to enhance the other partner, not downgrade em at all. i want to give all the materialistic shit and options (as far as work, school, etc) to her but timing is everything…she aint hearing it and its taking a toll on me. not mad, just disappointed in myself. i didn’t test the car before i drove it off the lot ya dig? i was optimistic when i should of been a realist..its not going to work out.

and its not like i welcome it or anything. like i want to be happy and just okay with everything. she calls me selfish but I’m here doing what i gotta do and she just complains about minor shit. i dunno, again this is all from my POV, someone needs to talk to her and see where she’s at..

i know for a fact that this marriage won’t last till the end of time if we keep going this route. I’m not asking for like a honey moon everyday, I just wanna be relax again like i use to be. Im all tensed up and just don’t wanna deal with it. “great things are worth fighting for”…fuck that, ill drop this shit so fast and with no emotions. thats how i feel and its crazy i tell her this all the time. i feel bad for her but whatever.

it hasn’t even been a hot month since we’ve been together so I’m allow a grace period for all this shit to happen. i understand its her first month in a new found land so she’s probably excited you know…indoor plumbing, shower heads with constant water flow…its the best thing since canned goods. the thing that really irritates me though is that I don’t really believe she understands what she does. what i mean by that is..(imma paint a picture) we’re @ walmart, I’m buying necessities for the crib. this includes water, juice, eggs, paper towels; shit like that you know. things that you NEED on the daily. so whatever, i texted her since she was at the cosmetics section (go figure), “beh, get some toothpaste.” cause she’s around that vicinity…this punk ass comes back with nail polish! now I’m not trippin on the nail polish cause its probably $1, its the fact that i don’t see toothpaste in her other hand. i didn’t know how to react so i just said out loud “you selfish mother fucker, always thinking about yourself!” …its been on/off with me and her. i hate that money has to be an issue but it is. everything i do for now is on a budget and controlled. i would love to just say fuck it and do what i do and throw my money aimlessly away but i can’t..i have to be responsible and mindful of my situation; You’d think that a chick would be good at all this saving shit but its the exact opposite.

I tell her this directly too “what are you bringing to the table?” …and i tell her straight up..”you aint bringing shit!” i feel bad but this is how i make sense of my actions. In order to enjoy the finer things in life you have to work and be on the grind. you cannot expect to receive all the accolades and GOOD shit if you don’t work…and i’ll be damn if you dont have a work ethic PERIOD, and you want to blow my cash. the cash your spending could of been my trip to cali, sights, titty bar…it wouldn’t matter what i would spend it on because it’s my money i worked for ryt..

a get rich and die trying scheme is in place for 2012. i’ll be good to go, its just that i see myself somewhere else mann…and imma be there…off the jump, i’ll give her a lil helping hand to get her situated but if i don’t see any progress its a wrap. I’m not the same trick-a-dick from back when, i WILL CUT HER OFF ASAP if i feel she is not contributing to the team. its like I’m carmello anthony for the knicks; why the hell would we want patrick ewing in the team if he can’t put shit down for the team..its dead weight and you can’t expect to go to the finals with that shit around…if that makes sense..

cause man, the dudes i work with now are MAD obsessed with like advancement (as well they should). I’m not knocking it at all..cause i’m mindful of picking up rank..who isn’t right? you can’t lie to anyone and say “i don’t care” cause its a damn lie. it bothers me that theres no set criteria man. like who you believe should get it…so its like mad niggaz got the shank in hand ready to gut niggaz out but for what? cause you never know what the board is looking for.

and in my position now, i see it a lot. like i hate working in an environment full of people mad obsessed with picking up rank. yea its more money but people will shit on you to get to the top. its not friendly competition as well. its more like “nigga if i advance further in my career nigga you aint shit” you know what i mean? i don’t know how to put that in a formal phrase but thats how i see it.

I’m more in a work setting like I’m in this position, imma take care of you…make sure everything is good and anything you need…im here for you. it totally reversed now, perhaps cause I’m stationed with a buncha wolves man. and i hate to feel like that…call me KJ or emo whatever…but i like working where everyone is relaxed and good with everyone. this shit man, its like the tension is building up hard as hell. me personally, I’m not with it…I see why guys get out now. its not because they’re garbage at the job, but because they’re fed up with the politics and fake friends..you have to take the bad with the good..its like anything else in life.

so i dunno…juss my thoughts man..im 27 yrs old and i dunno if I’m built for this. this has always been in the NAVY as a whole but I’m getting more insight now and i don’t like what i see..

my wife comes inn 2nd week august i believe in jersey. kinda salty w/ it because her first stop is in jersey. i wanted that to happen though…just so she can be around familiar people. imma bitch sometimes, cause yO, shes BEEN w/ familiar people in the philippines. what about me? im out here fuckin working my ass off doing what im s’pose to be doing…where the fuck is my vacay? im out here grindin no breaks off nd shit. shit is gettin to me bad man. Control-wise, my cash flow isnt up to par. my mentality is right but the bank account cant match my recreational activities you know? thats why i feel theres limitations in what i want to do.

im doin this girl real dirty nd juss fuckin leave her in texas while i fly my ass back to jersey for myself. fuck it man, imma be selfish. imma complete this semester of school, get right for this advancement and then throw the dueces up for myself. im too young man, i feel like im livin a old mans lifestyle…stayin home nd doin some bullshit. reason being, my shit is controlled now. i cant just say “fuck it”…it would be careless of me. cause theres NO ONE thats gonna hold me down man. only person that got my back is myself. thats probably the big issue with me man.. im the only muthafucka holdin myself down. then im inviting this girl to come down and live with me. THIS IS ALL ME though…im the one that jumped into this marriage bullshit, i willingly threw the ring on the finger.. theres no one else to blame but myself. fuck mannn..

whatever mann. this is not how i pictured myself to be at this age.

but yea man, just livin life and trying to enjoy life. [even tho it consist of grindin] all in good timing ya kno. dont tell me about goin inn or living life, i know this. imma juss grind it out till i bounce outta here. now granted i’ll probably be like 29 when i can throw it back…but yea man…young man with an old man mind. imma holla. one

so man…kept it real. i told her straight out [numerous times too] “i think i got married too early” …ME ya know…im pretty sure she was good to go, but shit, im still young and sounds real cliche…”im only getting older”, but with age comes experience and insight on your beliefs and desires in life general. so i told yen, and she said its just me..[which i believe is a piss poor response] but shes authentic mann…pure bred, all day, up tops, no games…hahahaha. realest filipino girl i ever dealt with, so its brand new with me. im adjusting to it and i can adapt. i dont know if its the distance thats killing me. cause love is NOT “the NOTEBOOK” typa deal ladies. thats a bullshit ass movie and its mad false, shit like that does NOT happen at all in real life. niggas dont wait for bitches like 5 yrs plus. the director must of been smokin crack when he made that movie..

imma roll with it man, im a grown ass man and i made the decision..so i have to deal with this to the best of my abilities. its crazy tho, cause if you aint into a relationship, you can just kick rocks..do it the 2011 way and send the bitch a text like, “its not you, its me…the relationship is a no go. i’ll holla..one” lols. or if you really wanna be an ass just post that shit on the book of FACE and call it a day…hahaha. im good man, its just im annoyed man, like the shit she says…how she responds to my questions. seems like the same answers, same conservations..its like im fuckin Peter Pan and i want to grow up but tinker bell just doesnt wanna let me go ya kno? i dunno…hahaha..im crazy.

imma shorten everything up. key thing i talked about was work..ive been schoolin, working, and gym flowin…not on the major tho. ever since school hit ive been throwin it in the back burner. today i hit up the sauna if that counts…but yea man. juss been out here grindin and its beneficial havin this laptop available. if you know me, im kinda cheap when it comes to shit like this. i caught myself stayin at work till like 9 or 8 in the PM…thas a no go, its bad enuff i dont have a social life so yea…i had to get this one..

also, talked about being mad stressed as always, who isnt right? maybe cause im married to something thats not here in the physical, shit is bothering sometimes. like i did not picture MY marriage to be like this at all. imma paint a picture, i come home from grindin, she comes inn the same time if not later than me…why? cause she grindin too!! like i always wanted to be paired up with someone who mtaches my fly if not exceeds it..so yea, i took a big risk with this one. im optimistic yet a realist..how can that be ryt? shit doesnt make no sense. but yo, im optimistic like she’ll be the one that satisfies me and everything i yearn in a counterpart ya kno..at the same time, realistically see’in the envisioned end goal is far off.. like i see myself 40+ getting to where we need to be…and i dont like it. but man, if you kno me…this is all my doing…no fingers will be pointed at [blame that is] cause i went into this marriage solo dolo with my mind made up…what…the…fuck….lols.

um, key events…finish the semester end of this month. throw that in the bag…hopefully yen come thrun mid august and while thats happening, im studying for this NAVY advancement crap in september. long term goals within my career is kinda set but it feels empty sometimes. like whats the point of working hard if you cant enjoy the fruits of ya labor? like im mad addicted to the life. being around positive people that are familiar and can easily relate to me. sooner or later right…

blog is kinda rushed…im throw made more detail on the next one.. check yall out. love.

That’s always a blessing in itself. I have my parents and my good friends I’ve been hangin out with before I had joined the military. Surprisingly, I spent more time with my family than friends…usually its the opposite way around….its all good though. I enjoyed every moment at home. Quality time with my mom and just face time with friends, granted some of them were busy but that’s how life is ya kno…we got bills and responsibilities to tend too…

Ryt now I’m back in san angelo…shits what it iss I guess…I’m content with working and juss goin home chillin ya kno. Gettin ready for october right? So I guess I’m going to the PI and get married. I asked her actually like a week ago ya kno…I forgot which day. I was sincere thoo…I thought about her more when I was in jersey than in texas…that’s real strange…but I’m happy ya kno…I guess what’s got me all aggy is that I look at it as a check in the block ya dig? Like its not really registering in my head…I talk about it daily in jersey but when I’m here in TX I’m juss overall salty about it…like its a chore and shit. Marriage and being in a relationship has ALWAYS been about sacrifice. I’m being selfish cause fuck…I’m always the first motherfucker to sacrifice in all my past relationships. And where are they now?? Its gone ya knoo…so that’s why I’m kinda hesitant in always makin the first move. I’m not mad at my past relations, I’m actually glad cause it got me where I am today…I think of shit that normally wouldn’t have thought of ya kno…I’m more conscience on decisions and (it could be a negative) less of a risk-taker.

We’ll see how everything lays out this end of the year. I jusst need to leave for PI asap…gett outta town for a minute and take care of my shit. So ill let ya kno wha happens. Everyones invited!!! I doubt anyone will go but its all good…I know yall there in spirit! P

the regular grind: nothing new. juss school nd work. im taking two classes for this semester, so hopefully i get the lil degree and imma pause after that. kinda torn cause i really dont kno what i want to major inn pertaining to the bachelors degree. i went from fire service management to something else. i just cant picture myself like 30 plus still suiting up and fighting fires. its an honorable job but i dont think its me. im more like see’in myself into that phys ed teacher schoolin the youngins…or perhaps home ec teacher…or the bs sub that lets the class do anything…hahaha so yea, imma figure sumtin out by the end of june-july time frame and get it. the plan is to attain the shit after this three yrs here and not touch a single book afterwards!! school is great but fuck…shit blows.other then that, juss pacin myself at work. takin everythin on the daily nd always tryin to see the bigger picture.

black roses: still in it with baby double-dutch in the islands. shes straight. cant say nothing negative about her. if anything, only person doin crazy shit is me. its a everlasting fight with lust. like mannn…how do guys do it? play the good guy role. i should be use to it cause im overall a “good” guy, but its juss the temptation of doing the wrong thing that excites me..i want to pursue it but i know the consequences for my actions and im juss measuring it to see if its a necessary thing for me to do. ummm i dont want to jump into something that im not prepared to handle. “men lie, women lie..” i also second guess myself on issues relating to the relationship and ask myself if im lyin to myself juss to convince me…dennis, that im doing the right thing. i dont like missing out on oppurtunties but at the same time..i dont like missing OUT on oppurtunites..ya feel me? i dont wanna fuck it away juss cause of something silly and regret it in the end. hopefully its juss me thinkin that dum shit.

so yeaaa…imma knock everything career wise out the box. its just a matter of timing and execution. but the issues like family, who i wanna be with and all that gay stuff..[hahaha] its juss weighin out the options and see’in if its right for me ya kno. my opinion is that family is the greatest motivation in doing anything. something has to influence you in order for you to succeed and continue your grind and all that other good stuff. ambitions, expectaions, etc. without it…its nothing ryt? im ready.